I don’t know exactly how I got to where I am at this moment, except for divine intervention.   Not only did I not plan to believe this deeply in Christ, but I did not even know what it would look or feel like.  I didn’t know that after two months of really, really seeking His wisdom, my whole perspective on life would be challenged.   I don’t know what I thought would happen.  I don’t actually think I gave it much thought.  But, what is happening is that things I did not even realize I needed to change, entire ways of thinking, are coming into question.

Do you ever listen to a friend and all the while they are talking, you are thinking about either what you have to get done or what you are going to say back.  You are listening but not truly hearing what is being said.  Or maybe you listen but you don’t quite get what they are saying.  Perhaps they are giving you directions to a place you have never been and you just can’t quite figure out in your head how it is you are supposed to get there. 

I feel that way right now with God.  He is talking really loudly to me.  He is convicting me of changes that need to be made, but I am not quite sure what those changes are supposed to look like or exactly how I am supposed to get there.  It’s kind of frustrating.  In my mind, God is supposed to bring peace, which I have translated to mean ease.  The reality, however, is that change isn’t always comfortable.  It isn’t always easy.  And, I don’t feel at ease.  I feel unsettled.

Much of what I have come to know and believe in the last 20 years is now coming into question; how we operate as a family, how we operate our business, and how I operate as a friend and a member of our community is all in question.  The life I have built for myself seems well, built by a person who had no idea what they were really on this earth for.  I’m not saying I’m unhappy, that I don’t love my family or what we do for a living.  I actually have more joy now than ever. 

What I am saying, though, is that once I put Christ as number one, my husband as number two and my family as number three on my priority list, I realize that I have not been honoring Christ very well.  I have clearly spent my life working for me.  Now I want to spend it working for Him.  This change, although really good, is causing a bit of a shake down.

I feel like God is trying to lead me somewhere, but I just don’t know where.  In short, the path, although I feel His hand on it, is not very clear to me.  It’s like there are 15 roads ahead and I am not sure which one to take

Up to now, I have worked full time, we have continued to grow our business, in the past 4 years, I have become a mom, twice, and now, I have a new found commitment to Christ as well.  I’m not sure how all this should fit. 

Now that I am a mom, am I supposed to be home more with my kids and my husband?  Should I be spending more time at my church?  And, if so, doing what?  Am I supposed to scale back at work?  Because if I am, this is almost counterintuitive to what I have grown up thinking and it actually makes me feel guilty.  Or, am I actually supposed to be getting more active in the community so that I can touch more lives?   Am I supposed to touch those lives at church or through my running groups or both?   Maybe I am supposed to work just as much?  But that makes me feel really guilty and it doesn’t seem to work well for any of us. 

I grew up thinking that I could and should have it all.  I should have a bustling, successful career.  I should also have some healthy hobbies so that I can “take care of myself.”  I should have a great marriage and I should be able to be a great mom.  Ironically, having it all, in my mind didn’t include a relationship with our creator.   And now that I have inserted Christ into the mix, I am getting this feeling that maybe “having it all” isn’t all it was cracked up to being; that maybe having it all needs to be redefined.

I feel unsettled. 

Being the impatient, immediate results person that I am, it would be really easy to get discouraged at this point.  After all, I am being a lot more spiritual, a lot more faithful than I have ever been.  I read my bible most mornings (I’m not perfect).  I am actively praying.  I’m reading other Christian books.  My husband and I have spiritual conversations. I even volunteered in kidcrest last weekend AND went to our Wednesday night service this week.  Clearly, I am doing a lot more than I was just a couple of months ago.  And, yet, I still don’t have the clarity that I need. 

I am not discouraged, however.  On the contrary, I know that God is using this unsettled feeling for His good.  I have been praying for wisdom, for clarity, for a peace about what exactly needs to happen and I don’t have it yet.  Although I don’t have all the answers yet, I do know two things He is saying. 

First, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Psalm 46:10 

May has been a whirlwind of work for us.  It will most likely be the most stressful and work intensive month of the year for us.  And, while I have been reading, praying and now fasting, I really haven’t had much time to just be still.  Honestly being patient and being still are not my strong points anyways.  I actually feel guilty being still, like I should be doing something.  So perhaps this is the lesson God is trying to teach me.   Be still, be patient.  Wait for me.  Do you really trust Me or do just want to trust Me?  Can you really listen to Me?

Second, “Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”  Hebrews 12:1 

Now, perseverance, finally something I am pretty good at.  This I understand.   

As I have mentioned before, I used to do a number of triathlons, even Ironman events.  If you don’t know what an Ironman is, it is a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike and a 26.2 mile run.  I have done 5 of these.  If you don’t understand perseverance, you can’t do an Ironman. 

While I likely won’t do any iron distance races again or at least for a very long time, I am grateful for the lessons I learned there.  God indeed can use all things for His good.  Races of this distance are such an analogy for life.  In a race that will take most of us at least 12 hours to finish, there are tons of ups a downs.  There are times that I feel great and times that I doubt my ability to finish. 

In one race in particular, it was really hot, 99 degrees to be exact.  At one point, I realized that I was going to have to stop.  My head said keep going, but my body was having none of it.  If I did not stop and take care of myself, I would most likely not be able to finish.  So, I actually stopped right in the middle of the road and I sat down.   I just sat there and rested for probably about 20 minutes.  I watched the other runners.  I tried to get a grasp on what was going to help me pull myself together. 

After a while I walked to an aid station, got something to drink and then sat down again.  I was still, but I wasn’t quitting.  I just realized that if I wanted to finish this race and finish well, I would have to stop and wait for a while.  I didn’t know how long it would take, but I knew if I just kept going, I would inevitably not finish well.  I would persevere but in order to persevere I would have to be patient, to be still and to listen. 

This is what God is calling me to do now.  I will persevere.  I will continue to do all the things I am doing to seek His will, but I need to be patient.  I need to find some ways to be still and I need trust Him enough to wait.

“My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.”  Proverbs 2:1-5

Thank you Lord for this unsettled feeling.  I will persevere.  I will search for your wisdom like a hidden treasure.  I will be still and know that you are God.     

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